"I am, I am, I am."

Perfection.

The Bell Jar, one of my favorite books, explores the link between identity and mental health. Within the novel, one of the overarching issues that affects Esther Greenwood's mental state is her need for perfection. On the surface, she looks like she has it all: amazing grades, a great boyfriend, and a bright future. Yet behind this facade, she is deeply struggling due to her inclination to base her value upon her performance.

As Plath suggests, perfection becomes part of the "Bell Jar" that Greenwood is trapped in. Not being able to accomplish the ideals imagined within her head causes Greenwood's mental state to spiral.

I believe Plath's novel resonated with me because I know Greenwood's plight all too well. Building an identity that revolves around perfection is a breeding ground for pressure.

Pressure.

As an honor student and someone who has a propensity to strive for perfection, the lines between my performance and my self worth can become increasingly blurred. No longer are the two separated, but in a dangerous relationship within my mind. This began a cycle of highs and lows because my opinion of myself is tied to how I perceive how I performed.

The source of this pressure is usually myself. As my small achievements piled up, I began to have larger expectations for myself. Once I was able to meet these expectations, I pushed myself further, loving the increases to my ego as I achieved more and more. Yet, it was only a matter of time before I was no longer satisfied by the fulfillment this process once brought. In my experience, it was the fear of failure that kept me within my own "Bell Jar."

When this is how your value is determined, losing your identity as an individual is almost guaranteed.

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I love this quote because it is a powerful stance, especially in a society rife with opinions and expectations. When the noise in my mind has me in the depths of despair, the best remedy is reminding myself that I am a collection of many beautiful traits and qualities. All it takes is a deep breath and thinking "I am, I am, I am." to lift the "Bell Jar" slightly. Reminding myself that I am a whole person allows for clarity, even in the demanding setting of university.

Maintaining perspective in my life is all about separating performance and value in my mind and reminding myself of who I am beyond what the numbers or my inner critic says. Grappling with my mental health in the process, it is a journey rather than a linear progression. It is not a simple endeavor once your brain has been wired to think this way for so long. Challenging the notions in your mind is a brave approach in itself.

Resistance.

My tips for resisting this mindset is firstly acknowledge how you are feeling when your performance doesn't match your expectations. Hiding from these feelings creates more suffering in the long run. Not actively recognizing your feelings can lead to self-punishment or even pushing yourself harder. Both these outcomes are destructive to not only your performance but your mental health.

Secondly, reward yourself for your hard work no matter the outcome. Whether it is hanging out with friends or eating your favorite meal, these actions signal to your mind that it should focus on your work ethic rather than your performance.

Lastly, cultivate an identity that is not centered around your job or schoolwork. For me, this is creating time in my day for the activities that interest me such as painting or reading. When I finish a book or a new detail in my painting, it brings joy that is not tied to how I performed but how I am actively improving myself.